Patience and living in the present

We're still kind of in limbo right now, waiting on our tax refund so we can get that tow hitch and start moving along. Waiting and having patience is a skill I am still struggling to cultivate. Parenting has definitely helped tremendously from where I once was but it is super hard. I feel like we are kind of on a precipice of sorts and once again, waiting...I feel like the road trip has not really begun and like we are some sort of bums or losers so far. I guess that is negative mind talking.

Living in the present is by far the biggest challenge I have right now. We are putting ourselves out there with a lot less safety net than most venture out with. Then there is the criticism of course. Sometimes I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place because right now our prospects for any employment aren't any better where we are now than they are in BFE Wyoming it feels, lol. The only difference is that we have family to stay with which is a luxury. On the same token there is plenty of free land out there to camp on as well in the same situation.

What it boils down to is being present. Even if I had all the security in the world or a concrete plan of action it could fall apart at any minute for a variety of reasons and it can to anybody regardless of plan, class, financial security, etc. This is a hard, hard thing to learn. I have found myself obsessing lately over where we are going, where we will camp, and where we might find some kind of work.

I did some meditating and realized it is kind of out of my hands. I have no control over what may or may not happen when we get out on the road. It could be good. It could be bad. It could be both...but you know, predisposing how it will be is not only a delusion since it isn't here yet but is just going to make me miserable..and I have spent too many days letting myself be miserable about it. We will have some money and we will be hitting the road. Those are the only two certainties I can count on right now. The rest will fall into place when it is supposed to and when the time comes and I've got to tell myself that over and over or go stark raving mad. I had no idea how much uncertainty would try and get the best of me with this sort of lifestyle....

but then I look at the alternative. Wait once again for a job around here, even if it is a crappy one since Riki's field is nearly obsolete right now, and save up for a crappy apt/house to rent with the much lower income than we were accustomed to before and live the same 9-5 weekly drudgery. When I look at it that way, hitting the road with some money, camping in the woods, and seeing what other opportunities are out there sounds a heck of a lot better, even if it does come with risk. EVERYTHING comes with a risk. As much as it drives me batty I think that I would rather live my life as full as I can than cower from it because of a lot of what ifs at this point. You will always wonder what if if you stay where you are as well...

and the kicker is that the present isn't so bad. I and others are so worked up about the future and uncertainty of it that nobody including myself is looking at how good the present is. Homeschooling is going smoothly for the most part. Our little house is fine. I don't have any qualms with it really. We have good food to eat. Ellery is learning a lot about tending to chickens and rabbits and catching fish and all kinds of good stuff. I get to look outside my window to a beautiful grassy meadow with trees and a lake. I mean, if I could just focus more on the present instead of worrying what others think or what may or may not happen I'll be okay because it really is out of my hands.

Riki put in a few applications for some workamping at Yellowstone and the Grand Tetons...no call backs yet and only voice mail when you call them. That's all we can do right now.

And meditate, meditate, meditate. I can see clearly that patience and living in the present is something I am struggling and yet really meant to be learning right now. Back to Buddha's teachings, the dharma and I'm good. I was so blessed last night to come across some video snippets of Geshe Gyatso speaking at the UK festival last summer. He is sort of like the Dalai Lama for the Buddhist tradition I study for those who have no clue what I'm talking about. Anyway, I heard a lot of things I needed to hear and let me tell you, I slept like a baby for the first time in days. Focus on ridding myself of these delusions of attachment and self grasping ignorance which pretty much leads to all of the other problems we suffer.

Note to self: MUST WORK ON THIS....

and cultivate patience, one day at a time is all I can do, plan, or enjoy right now, regardless of where we are or how much money we have or what that might mean to anybody else. The now is all there is.